When You Lose Two Mums

Ascension. A severe & excruciating severing. Dark room. Loneliness. Life sucked out of you. Abandonment.

When you have dependents, you know that there are little people who... well...depend on you for their needs. So how to find time to process it all?

Recently, I did Facebook lives & it was really difficult. I did one today, and I thought that it would get better, but grief.. has reminded me that if you do not give it permission to BE, that it will make itself known eventually, and in ways that do not help you to thrive in the direction you aspire for yourself in life.

Around 7 years ago, I'd lost my mother under vague and questionable circumstances still unanswered till date. I thought that I'd just be remembering her (not that I can even forget) and go about my life, but I had just so happened to do something that I rarely get to do. I'd decided to not tutor for a whole month which happened to fall in the same month as my late mother's birthday. I was under an unusual amount of stress free time. Definitely not a familiar friend and so that provided the grounds for processing, letting go, self-exploration, planning & self-care.

And then along comes grief!

An emotion that I wasn't allowed to express in a marital relationship that I was previously in. I was expected to just get on with it. Get on with duties. No community support where I was. I was left to care for myself, my home at the time, my child and make arrangements to see my mum who had passed away in another country. I had to sweep grief under the rug in order to make sure that I was safe, my child was safe whilst pregnant with my second until I'd returned to the UK.

Like an unexpected guest, grief pays a visit! Leaving me with not having the energy or will to do much. No eating... outbursts of cries, & emotions of anger with regards to individuals present around my late mother in her latter days. I started to think about a lady who was like a mother figure, but who was also unwell at the time. Since I was little, she'd be sure to send me birthday greetings. I vividly remember my mum ushering me into the living room when I was little and she then rushed to turn on the radio. It was her voice alongside Auntie Ade. I couldn't believe my name was mentioned on the radio! The song they played for me was my first encounter with Stevie Wonder's 'Happy Birthday to ya!...' Even if I was abroad, I'd get my b-day greetings.

She was there for me at times in my adult life when my mum wasn't able to (as she was stuck overseas), and when other relatives (non-Muslim) didn't care to. In Christianity the role is known as a godmother. As a Muslim, I do not have that belief, but I do believe in keeping one's word & community support. She upheld her word to my late mum to support me morally when she could. Even though I never got to be with her as much as I'd liked, she was sure to show up at crucial points in my adult life. Knowing that she was present in this world, even though I didn't get to see her much, was a reminder of my mum & a symbol of active curiosity about our rich African heritage that schools don't teach you. Her presence made me feel like I had a rock to back me up. Despite not being a blood relative, Auntie...is what I called her.

This Black History month I'd like to honour my two mothers Hwaa Irfan & June Reid.

Interestingly enough...in Arabic...there's a couple of words for mother:

• One which refers to the lady who births you => 'wal.dah' ( والدة ).
• The other could refer to a mother-in-law, a female teacher with whom you may have a spiritual connection with or the biological mother => 'um' or 'om' (أُم ).

Ascension.

From God we came & to Him is our return.

So how to not remain in that state of loss? How to process grief?

They say that there are 5 stages of grief. The first being denial and the last stage being acceptance.

Personally, when overwhelming, I immerse myself in the remembrance of a higher source & ask Him for what I need.

Engaging in creative activities, donating to charity in the deceased's name, doing things you enjoy, being in nature, reminding yourself of your aspirations & contemplating on your life's mission are all ways that you can process & avoid being stuck in grief. So let it take its course! Better yet if you have a positive support system.

In case you do not have a support system, or cannot confide in them for some reason, in addition to considering talk therapy, counselling or a therapist, here's a couple of journaling ideas that you can do to hold space for yourself. You can also merely vocalise these in solitude. When you're ready, try:

1- Free Word Association:

Without judgement. Without thinking twice. Jot down the person, opportunity, or thing that you're grieving over in the centre of the page. Around it, branch out whatever comes to mind from emotions, memories, purpose, dreams, hopes, future, lessons, etc. If nothing comes to mind then write just that. Letting it out & not keeping it in is the key.

2.Letter:

Write a letter to that person, opportunity or thing that you lost and are grieving over. Any regrets? Write them down. Hopes & Dreams? Fire away. What could you thank them/it for? Write that down. Who do you need to forgive? Does that include yourself? Make a note of it. You can then choose to keep the letter or shred it up.

If you'd like support with more examples, please comment below.

Peace.

May you find it amidst the storm.